Breaking Free Read online

  She cupped the back of his head as he rested his head in the bend of her neck, his breath hot and moist on her skin.

  “Jesus! I forgot to use a condom again,” he said raising his head to look down at her.

  She couldn’t lay the responsibility on him. “It was my fault. I shouldn’t have been so---impatient.”

  Hawk’s frown dissolved and he shook his head. “You know you drive me crazy, too.” He caressed her cheek. “If something comes of this, Zoe, you know you can depend on me to do the right thing.”

  She studied his expression, so serious, so direct. Would she want him to do the right thing because she’d gotten pregnant? Would that be enough? No way!

  “We’ll need to be more careful from now on. I’d prefer to have a choice, if, why, or when I get married. If you’re talking financial support and weekend visits--”

  Hawk kissed her, hard. “I grew up without a dad and my kids aren’t going through that.” He withdrew from her and sat up.

  His sudden withdrawal leaving her bereft, Zoe worked her bra back in place and tugged her shirt down. He pulled his boxer briefs and pants up his calves and she eyed his tight muscular buttocks as he stood and pulled his clothing all the way up. She marveled at the beauty of his body even as her thoughts ran in a totally different direction.

  Being a SEAL, he couldn’t control a bomb dropping out of the sky or sniper getting in a lucky shot. Didn’t he see that? “Are you saying that you’re giving up the military should you become a father?”

  Hawk went completely still, his gaze fastened on her bare legs first one, then the other.

  Zoe froze, her stomach plummeting.

  Don’t look at them. The words were a shout in her head, but her tongue lay paralyzed. Time seemed to stop. The sound of her own breathing filled her ears. The stark emptiness of his expression caught and squeezed her heart.

  Feelings of being naked and vulnerable crashed over her, and she jerked to a seated position and swung her legs off the bed. Her pants and panties, still wrapped around her foot, lay twisted on the floor. A hard, cold knot of panic gripped her throat as she yanked them free and tried to get them separated and turned right side out. Her hands shook and didn’t want to work.

  “Zoe--stop.”

  Hawk tried to grab her hands, but she pulled away. She had to get the pants on. She had to cover up.

  “God damn it!” He twisted them from her grasp and threw them across the room. “Look at me.” He dropped to his knees in front of her.

  She didn’t want to see his look of shock and revulsion. She didn’t want to look at him, and know every connection they had made was over. He turned her and cupping her face looked into her eyes. She read shock and pain in his expression, but thank God, no sickness.

  “Zoe---” His throat worked as he swallowed, and he dropped his hands to her hips. He dragged her off the bed to straddle his lap, her knees bent on either side of him. His arms tightened and he held her close. For long moments, he rested his forehead against her shoulder. His fingers cupped her buttocks, holding her as he drew several long, slow breaths, but the tension just kept building in his body, his shoulders growing taut.

  She ran her hands up his back and he drew back to look into her face. “It doesn’t change the way I feel about you, Zoe. Not one damn bit. They’re just scars. They don’t change who you are. You got that?”

  Quick tears blurred her vision and she nodded, though afraid to believe he truly meant it. But the pain of not believing left her barely able to breathe.

  His cheeks grew flushed, and a cold, hard rage built in his expression darkening his eyes to slate and sharpening his features. “Tell me that the son-of-a-bitch who did this spent some time in jail. Tell me he was beaten and tortured every day he was there.”

  “He’s dead,” she managed, her voice finally working.

  “Good. I’m glad.” His hard, level tone was almost scarier than his expression.

  Realizing how deep his anger ran, Zoe touched his cheek in a tentative caress.

  Hawk’s gaze focused on her, and the intensity of his expression eased. He smoothed back a strand of hair from her chin. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to go Alpha on you. It’s just--I can see what was supposed to be.” He ran his hand down her thigh. “What should have been. And to know he took that from you-and there’s nothing I can do about it.”

  “It happened a long time ago.” The frustration she read in his face eased the tight band of emotion constricting her lungs. “At the time I was too young and too focused on just learning to walk again to realize how much this would affect my life later.”

  “Don’t let him and that asshole in college have that much power over you, baby. They’re not worth it. Break free of all that and concentrate on who you are now, Zo.” His fingers slid over the side of her damaged leg, bent along his thigh. “Am I hurting you holding you like this?”

  Break free. If only she could. If only she had the courage to do so. She shook her head, even though the position pulled at her calf muscle. ”But I might need some help getting up.”

  “Not yet, okay?” He rested his forehead against her shoulder again.

  Zoe stroked the nape of his neck and eventually the angry tension drained from him. When his large hands ran up beneath her shirt molding her closer she caught her breath.

  “I know you want to go to the hospital, but do you suppose we could take an hour or so before we go?” Hawk asked as he nibbled her earlobe. His hands cupped her buttocks again.

  Her heart and her breathing stuttered. She sucked in air as the familiar tempting heat began to build inside her. “An hour would be good.”

  He drew back to look at her and a teasing smile laced with tenderness spread his lips. “It might take a little longer. I’ll want to take my time, now that I can see you.”

  Tears threatened again, but she blinked them back. “Are you sure?”

  He kissed her, his lips and tongue tempting and insistent. “Doesn’t it feel as though I’m sure?”

  His arousal, hard and ready, pressed against her, and her uncertainty melted away. “Yeah--it feels just right.”

  CHAPTER 17

  Hawk leaned back against the car and folded his arms. He glanced toward the public restroom where Zoe had gone to change into her swimsuit. A man hauling a cooler trudged past, his beach bag laden wife following close behind, holding the hands of two little girls.

  The woman paused to lift one of the children onto her hip, then grabbed the other child’s hand and moved on.

  The little girl reminded him of Katie Beth and he smiled. How had Zoe, with her leg injury, gotten along hauling Katie Beth like that? With the rapport she had with her niece, he’d lay odds she’d done it often. Even imagining her lifting the added weight of a toddler made him anxious. Why was he even thinking about this stuff?

  He jerked his thoughts away from the question and glanced at his watch. The run-by at the hospital had made them a little late, but they were okay, he’d built in some crunch time. How would Zoe react to other people seeing her leg? She’d been quiet on the way here and he’d read tension in her face, though she’d tried to shake it off. He had watched her mentally bracing herself in the car even before he’d pulled into the parking lot. Closing his eyes, he rolled his neck to loosen the taut muscles there and tilted his face to the sun. She could do this. She was stronger than she thought. Besides it would do her good to check out Mission Beach and soak up some sun. They both needed a break from the hospital.

  The injury, much worse than he had expected, had left the lower half of her leg looking fragile and thin, smaller than the other. But it wasn’t nearly as unsightly as she imagined. Rectangular shaped skin grafts covered the injury like a patchwork quilt. The similarly shaped scars on her buttocks and thighs, where they had harvested tissue, were only a little lighter than the rest of her skin.

  Every time he looked at her leg his stomach went hollow with pain. He wanted to punch something. Preferably the man respon
sible for every minute of suffering she’d had to experience. But the bastard was out of reach. Frustration brought a knot to his stomach.

  He pushed it away as he heard the distinct cadence of Zoe’s walk. He kept his eyes closed preparing himself for his first glimpse of her in a bathing suit. She’d be beautiful, scars and all.

  “Hello, sailor, want to go for a boat ride?” Her voice held a husky note that had him smiling, though he could detect a slight nervous shake in her tone.

  He opened his eyes and focused on her flushed face first before sliding his gaze downward. The bathing suit top, covered with hot pink flowers, cupped the generous swell of her breasts and dipped between. Her skin looked smooth as cream and a physical response to the sight raced downward instantly. “Hooyah---”

  She laughed at his murmured response. “I’m so glad you’re a breast man.”

  As his gaze dipped lower over the slender indention of her belly and the graceful swell of her hips, his arousal intensified. The sheer wrap-around skirt that matched the suit hung low on her hips covering her bad leg, but showing the other. “I think I must be an anything, anytime, anywhere man where you’re concerned, sweetheart.” He caught her around the waist and brought her close so she could feel it for herself. His lips skimmed her brow.

  Zoe’s cheeks colored and her eyes darkened. “That could get us arrested,” she teased.

  His hand ran down her back to the edge of her suit bottom. “It might be worth it.” A smile tugged at his lips. “But then you’d miss the parasailing adventure I’ve booked for us, and I want you to experience it, Zoe.” He hit the mechanism on his car keys to open the Saturn’s trunk and put in her clothes.

  ****

  As they walked down the block to the beach, Zoe focused on Hawk’s response to the bathing suit to try and offset the tension building inside her. The look on his face as he had run his eyes down her body had gone a long way in doing just that. It was going to be all right. She had to get over being so self-conscious of her injury. If she hoped to continue seeing Hawk, she had to participate in some of the things he enjoyed doing. She would get through this, and it would be a great experience. She really wanted to do this.

  “Have you decided whether or not you want to go up alone or with me?” Hawk asked.

  “I think I want to do it alone.”

  “All right.” He caught her hand in his. “It’s much safer than jumping out of a plane.”

  “I think I’d enjoy that too, but I wasn’t certain about the landing part.” She studied his features.

  “I’m glad you opted for this instead. The thought of you bailing out of a plane---” He shook his head. “I have to do things in my job that I don’t want to watch you do.”

  His admission thrilled her, because it implied that he cared about her, but it also hinted at the danger in which he willingly put himself. “Why do you do what you do, Adam Yazzie?”

  He turned his head to look at her. “Because I’m good at it.” His fingers tightened over hers. “And at the end of the day, I know I’ve made a difference, even if no one else knows it.”

  “And because you like the excitement of it?”

  He smiled. “Sometimes. Then there are times when it’s hot and boring and a pain in the ass.” He guided her around a family of five making their way away from the park, carrying coolers, beach bags, and toys. The smell of sun, sea, and suntan lotion lingered on them like the aroma of simmering spices.

  “Brett said he liked it because there were always new challenges being thrown at you, and you had to think fast on your feet.”

  “Yeah, there’s that too. I love the training and the focus and the sense of purpose.”

  “Does it make you happy?”

  “I’ve had moments of pleasure and satisfaction and moments of excitement. And the adrenaline rushes that go along with it all, too.”

  She knew he was avoiding using the word danger. The adrenaline rushes would go along with risking his life.

  They came out of the shaded side street onto the boardwalk and Zoe was hit by light and colors, sounds and smells, as the beach opened up before them. The cluster of colorful umbrellas, that dotted the horizon, looked like exotic mushrooms sprouting from the pale, yellow ochre sand. A baby, about eighteen months old, her face framed by blond ringlets, shoveled the dry powdery stuff into a pail. A woman sat next to her watching her every move. A large man, his belly already turning red from too much sun, lay sleeping on a quilt. A group of boys whipped by on roller blades, dressed in t-shirts and loosely hanging shorts. The smell of grilling meat hung in the air.

  Hawk paused by a streetlight attached to a concrete divider separating the beach from the long strip of stores and restaurants. He reached into his back pocket and pulled out a tube of sun block. “I don’t want to see you get burnt. Out on the water, you catch more rays than you’re aware you’re getting.” A grin spread slowly across his lips. “I’ll do you, if you’ll do me.”

  Zoe fought the urge to roll her eyes. “That ranks right up there with that cheesy line you used on me the second time we met.”

  “What was that?” he asked, handing over the tube of sun block when she reached for it.

  “Uncle Sam trusts me. Don’t you think you can, too?”

  “Well, it worked for the guy in the movie.” He tugged his t-shirt off.

  “Women don’t want lines. They want to know you’re truly interested in them.”

  He sat down on the railing, and his pale gray gaze settled on her with such intensity a dropping sensation struck her stomach. He drew her between his widespread feet. “I’m very interested in you, Zoe Weaver.”

  The look in his eyes sent an arrow of arousal zooming straight between her legs. “Thanks, I’m interested in you, too.” She squirted out a thin stream of sun block, and rubbing her hands together to coat her fingers, spread it over his wide shoulders and down his chest. He felt so warm and alive. Zoe wanted nothing more than to capture this moment and hold it still so she could absorb every nuance. The way he looked against the backdrop of an azure blue sky brushed with wisps of clouds, how dark his hair looked while his pale gray eyes appeared so startlingly light, and how he smelled of sun block, soap, and him, warm and musky. He turned so she could do his back.

  She had touched him while making love, but it was different doing so in public. It was a possessive gesture for everyone to see.

  Was he aware of that? Did he want that?

  Was this all something physical that would burn itself out? Or would he begin to pity her and that would eat away at it until it ended?

  His knee was only a few weeks from healing completely and he would go back on the active duty list. After that, he could be called back in at any time. Knowing that affected every experience she had with him. It was as though every moment she was with him, she was saying good-bye. Would she be strong enough to accept it when it really happened?

  He turned to face her and squirted sun block out in his palm. “Turn around, Zoe.”

  She did as he asked and reached up to hold her ponytail out of the way. She had never been so aware of a man’s touch as he rubbed the sunscreen over her shoulders and down her back. The texture of his hands was slightly rough, callused, their pressure gentle.

  “I want to ask you something, but I don’t want you to take it the wrong way.”

  His tone, so subdued, sent anxiety slicing through her and she turned to look over her shoulder at him. “All right.”

  “The injuries, other than your leg, there are no long term effects are there? I mean, down the road---”

  The question, so unexpected both gave her hope and made her wary. “No. The rest of me is fine. And as long as I do my stretching exercises, I’ll be able to walk.”

  The tension in his expression relaxed and he smiled. His fingers brushed back a long strand from her shoulder. “Your hair has gotten lighter in the sun since you got to California.”

  “Yes, I know.” He touched her nose gently with the tip
of his finger and spread sun block over the bridge. She smiled at him. For a moment his eyes settled on her lips with a heated look wiping away her tension.

  He caught her hand. “Let’s get something to drink and wander down the boardwalk for a few minutes. We have time.”

  They people-watched as they walked down the concrete strip running the length of Mission Beach. Teenage girls and boys basked in the sun, or played Frisbee, families clustered together on blankets and towels. She had never seen so many voluptuous women and muscular young men all greased up and worshiping the sun. The air, sun-soaked and moist, caressed her bare skin. No one turned to stare or point and she began to relax.

  “It’s not nearly as tough as you were expecting, is it?” he asked.

  Zoe shook her head. “No.”

  She fell silent for a moment. “Has there been anyone you wanted to settle down with?” she asked, her tone hesitant.

  “I was tempted once. I couldn’t be there for her like I should have been and she broke it off.”

  A dropping sensation struck Zoe’s stomach. There had been someone special. She caught her breath against the rush of jealousy that made her face burn. Who was this woman?

  Her voice came out husky and soft. “I’m sorry.”

  He was silent for a moment. “It’s hard for a woman to stick it out alone. She’s met someone else now and moved on.” He turned to look at her. “I couldn’t really blame her. We weren’t engaged, but we’d been talking about living together, then my unit got called up. It gets lonely and it takes a special woman who can stay faithful and who can carry the weight while we’re gone.”

  “Like Trish and my mother.”

  “Yeah.” He nodded

  “She has her job and the kids. It helps when you have family around. You stay focused on what’s important.”

  Hawk glanced at her. “Sometimes I forget you’re a Marine Corps brat.”

  “It’s been a while since I was one, but the memories are still there.” Some good. Some bad. Being with him these weeks had dulled the sharpness of the bad ones, and the pain. It was clearer to her now why her mother had hung in there and kept things together while her father was overseas.